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i want to be wanted in soft downy puffs of cottonfields
and share things i refuse to tell
i need to be needed like a salve on a salted wound
and relieve pain I myself caused
i need tender rain to fall acid like
and burn my face, my hands, my hair.
i want graceful fire to crawl lizard-like
from my fingers, my palms, my eyes
i want a cup of coffee w. some cream, a smoke, a good book
and you for company.
i need the touch, the sound, the air of you
and a hand to hold on to.
i need the pain of wanting you, the pain of losing you
and a shoulder to rest on.
i want the emptiness of missing you, the sweet agony of desiring you
and the taste of your salty skin.
i want the pleasure of knowing that i was the one you hated first
i need the pallor of knowing you were the one i loved most
i need the desire of knowing that you were my first, my last, my only.
i want your desire for me back as your first, your last, your only.
i want to know what its like to walk .. w.o. walking in this your cold dark
room.
i need to write in flourescent chalk... of my love on this black, wet cement.
i need i need i want i want . i whine
you want my need i need your want... you're mine.
i care too little and desire too much.
dark passion consumes me, lusts for your touch
im afraid of shaking and yet thats all i do when youre near.
i'm so sure of our love, yet I doubt and i fear...
i doubt everything
even if its written in blood
i believe only nothing
my faith stained with mud
i believe in everything
and everything believes in me.
but I trust in only what i see
and love everything you see in me.
im in denial cause its all i can do
my heart is on trial cause i feel so for you.
my heart is on death row
im afraid of
giving it too much away
love in the gallows
fleeting glances
form a fatal play

love ...
empty wineglasses
a
filterless cigarette
and meaningless dialect

lust ...
overfull chalices
and
emotionless coupling
and loveless affection

sex
meaningless nights
in
sweaty beds
and boring positions

love
endless mornings
in
sure flannel sheets
and sweet embraces

and this
is the end
of all
sensless prattle
our words
are too bent
to go on
any longer.
ill wallow justa little longer
in memories of you.

---

NOTE: This poem was compiled from a series of email messages
between Aneurysm and Neurotic (then Septimus, no longer a user) on the ISCA bbs (telnet://isca.bbs.iowa.edu).