The Extreme Cynic's Guide to Relationships

A good part of what it means to be a truly dedicated cynic is pessimism.

First off, forget the glass-half-full stuff. A truly cynical person isn't even sure he can drink what's in that glass, it could be poison for all he knows, and to think of it, where has that glass been? Is it clean? Who used it last? I mean, only God knows where it's been, and even then, how can I trust somebody who let his only son get nailed to a tree? No, it's too much... and so on.

No, the best definition of pessimism is the axiom that those who expect the absolute worse are at the very least never disappointed, and indeed, they are very often right. However, the unspoken corollary to this is that they are incapable of being pleasantly surprised either, and ill-equipped to appreciate what breadcrumbs of good fortune do fall from the dinner-tables of the gods down to the floor in front of them. They're too busy worry about where they've been while everybody else is grabbing a quick bite to eat.

Because of this, and many other impediments, the cynic should try to avoid such extreme pessimism, reserving it for when it is most useful: situations of dire personal danger and hopelessness (or when hope is simply a bad risk).

Everyday disappointments such as having a bad hair day or having a steak served to you just a touch too well-done for your taste, meaning you can't just send it back and have it cooked a bit more, you have to wait through the whole thing over again, unless they try something disgusting like giving you somebody else's steak... those are things anybody can deal with and are quickly and easily forgotten.

Cynics can place blind faith in the fact that all of the little things in life will turn out all right (even if he knows deep down they won't) for the purpose of putting on a happy face for the other people around them and not looking like a morose fuddy-duddy.

This is not to say that those who are being pessimistic are wrong; quite the reverse is usually true. It is merely an admission that continually being right can strain personal relationships with others and become an unpleasant monotony best broken by being occasionally wrong about unimportant things. It also gives non-cynics a chance to be right once in a while, too.

This is good for their egos.

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NOTE: This is a work in progress. In other words, it ain't done.
If you have any ideas for what topics the Extreme Cynic should tackle in the future, drop me email at dmjossel@synfibers.com

COMING NEXT: The Extreme Cynic's Guide to Work and The Extreme Cynic's
Guide to Cooking.